Compiled and edited by a good friend of mine. One with healthy dose of cynisism. If you want to get in touch with him, that can be arranged. For a price of course since he doesn't come cheap. He's "in ministry" you see.
SIXTEEN ARTICLES
The Beginner's Guide To Evangelicalism
Face it: we ARE weird—or at least how we do things. Perhaps this crash course will help newcomers.
1A. "I see that hand..."
When a preacher abruptly breaks into this, either someone is accepting Jesus, or someone has to be more heroic and finance the new building. Avoid looking for the hand mentioned.
1 B. "Ask Jesus into your heart"
You won't find this in Scripture but this is how someone becomes an Evangelical. Surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ's presence; he does not actually live there.
2A. "Into the Word" The Bible is more than one word—I've read thousands—but for Christians, it becomes singular with "the" attached. "Are you in the Word?" means, "You need to read the Bible to be spiritual like me."
2B. Quiet time
No relation to "time out.” Christians are expected to upgrade their relationship to God through prayer and Bible study. First thing in the morning is most impressive, even if you're not.
3. Backslidden: This refers to Christians suspected of a particular sin who thus become a "prayer request”.
4. Soul winning: One person tells another about Christ and the person believes (i.e. 'won'). Normally if there are winners, there are losers. Not here.
5. Baptism: The spiritual act of going under water. Someone else has to do it to you; self-baptism doesn't count. Cannon-balling into the tank is frowned upon, although there's no solid theological reason why.
6. "Blessed": Flung in every direction, it primarily replaces "luck." Super-spiritual Christians will be offended if you ever say "Good luck" retorting "I don't believe in luck; only God's blessings" Pretend you have learned something and be on your way.
7. Lord's table: A small cracker and grape juice? Think mystery (it is). Those on the Atkins diet are faced with the dilemma of high carbs.
8. Public prayer: When others pray, make quiet, slightly audible sounds like "yes Lord," and "amen." It may be completely out of context, but you will make the grade.
9. "Jesus": The default answer to almost any question. Who is God? Jesus. Why are you alive? Jesus. Why are we here? Jesus. What did you learn about today? Jesus. What is your favorite music? Jesus. What book are you reading? Jesus. It always works. Major exception: "Jesus!..."Such an exclamation could send you back to #3 (backslidden).
10. Raising hands: This is not how to ask questions during a church service (unheard of!), but a way to worship. Some churches go "full throttle" (hands above your head); some only allow the "governor" (raised to chest height).
11. Missions: A universal sequence
(1) Fear: going to another country.
(2) Excitement: the Lord has personally arranged this trip.
(3) Shock: the pov¬erty and needs of the visited area don't look like home.
(4) Attachment: you love the people and desire to remain there. (5) Mourning: leaving. Expect a lot of crying and manly and unmanly hugging.
(6) Telling: you try to explain everything that happened to everyone you meet.
(7) Judging: You look down on everyone for being so materialistic and impassionate about the poor. Adjustment happens two weeks later with the return of self-pity and jealousy because your neighbour gets a new car and yours is two years old.
12. "Lord, we just pray that..."
This should be uttered at least twenty times in every public prayer to show the simplicity of request and your awesome humility. Variants include "We just ask... "Lord, we just... "Lord, we just come before you" and just "just".
Heavy usage of "Lord,” "Lord God," "God," and "Father God" adds to your understanding of public prayer, reminding you to whom you are praying. An example: "Lord God, we just pray that you will be with us God during our trip Father." If you talked like that with people, you'd be seeing a therapist, but the more you say a variation of God's name, the more spiritual you are.
13. "Pot Lucks": Although confusing (considering #6) this is the one time when Christians believe in "luck." These are "fellowship" dinners where everyone brings a favorite dish. The brave and foolish have attempted to change the name to "Pot blessed" with no luck.
14. "Post-Sermon Prayer": It serves as an extended summary of the sermon, with additional points or applications the preacher didn't think of during delivery.
15. "Worship": Singing. In bygone days, "hymns" would teach solid theology in three or four verses with a short refrain tying them together. Today, "choruses" have very little theology and more affirmation about ourselves than God, but repeat it on average 37 times, not including musical solos.
16. "Amen": Showing approval of the pastor's teaching. Preachers who do not receive "amens" during their sermon begin to question their calling, so use them liberally (the only thing 'liberal' ever allowed).
